Sleep is a luxury

I am finding that writing blogs on little to no sleep is more challenging that I realized.  When your head hurts and you cannot think straight, it is hard to collect your thoughts and put them down for others to read, but here I go anyway.

Mum's sleeping habits do not always align with ours.  In fact it seems most of her sleeping has been during the daylight hours.  It almost seems strange how little care she needs most of the day.  Sometimes we just sit quietly wit her and other times we try to find time to connect with each other.

They say that when people are under duress that they may find unconventional or even immoral ways to find relief.  I admit that when mum call out for me repeatedly while I am in a sleep depraved state, I find that I am more likely to say something snippy or harsh.  Rationally I know that she cannot help herself, but there is part of my sleep deprived mind that thinks otherwise.  I say things like “Don’t you know it is 3 AM and I was trying to sleep.” But really she doesn’t.  I have entertained the thought of just closing my door and ignoring her please for help just so I could get a few more minutes of sleep.  I used to be an early riser, but now it is all I can do sometimes to drag myself out of bed to meet the day or prepare for my day job.

I know this is just a season and I am one to often ask others if their actions are kind (I never say, "be nice"  - a topic for a whole other blog).  

I know that kindness is both a choice and a Fruit of the Spirit.  I want God’s fruit cultivated in my life and this situation we are in gives me every chance to make the better choice and to lean into the goodness and kindness of my Lord and Savior.  If I rely on just my flesh, eventually all my cultivated goodness that I have derived from my cultural experiences will give way to the more selfish and animal-like self-preservation.

Jesus and his Apostles talk about this notion of dying to self.  It is not an easy idea to embrace.  We are told in the Bible that few would lay their lives down for a good person let alone a righteous one.  I am left feeling at times that laying my life down for my mother who, never like my choice in a wife and who took great issue with my choice to be a career Navy guy, doesn’t seem possible.  But if I can lay all my hurt and indignation aside for a moment I can say this is the woman who gave me birth and who along with my father, provide for all my needs growing up.  

This is how my wife deals with this person who never really accepted her.  She says this is the woman who gave birth to the man I love.  While I am her son and cannot escape that and feel obligation to care for and be kind to her, my wife who never found love in the eyes of my mother, has chosen to love her in deed and action.  As she puts it, “I can clean the woman’s behind, but I cannot hug her”  AnnMarie is more than willing to hug her, but mum isn’t a big huger.  

Signing off for now

Alan